Allison Holker read the journals of Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss after his death

Allison Holker he found closure after his husband Stephen “tWitch” the boss‘ death by reading his diaries.

“He was struggling with a lot of things inside himself and trying to heal himself and deal with all these feelings because he didn’t want to take it out on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker, 36, said. People on Tuesday, January 7. “He didn’t want others to take his pain.

Holker revealed that Boss had mentioned in the posts that he had been sexually abused by a male character during his childhood. “Reading Stephen’s journals and even going back to the books he read and the things he highlighted and underlined really gave me a better perspective on where he was in life and what he was dealing with,” she said. “It made me feel a lot of empathy and sadness for all the pain he was holding.

As he prepares for Boss’s funeral, so does Holker discovered his secret drug addiction.

“I was with one of my really dear friends and we were cleaning out his closet and picking out clothes for his funeral,” Holker said of the “corner of drugs” she had, including mushrooms, pills and “other stuff.” to look up after finding them hidden in Boss’s shoe boxes. “It was a really triggering moment for me because I discovered a lot of things in our wardrobe that I didn’t know existed.”

Holker found this “very alarming” but allowed her to do so find clarity after Boss’s death.

“There was so much going on that I had no idea,” she continued. “It was a really scary moment in my life when I found out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame involved.”

Boss, best known for his stellar performances on So you think you can dance and continue as a regular DJ The Ellen DeGeneres Showdied by suicide in December 2022, aged 40.

“It is with the heaviest heart that I have to share that my husband Stephen has left us. Stephen lit up every room he entered,” Holker said in a statement at the time. “He valued family, friends and community above all else, and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father and an inspiration to his fans.”

She continued: “To say he left a legacy would be an understatement and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am sure that not a day goes by that we do not honor his memory. We ask for privacy during this difficult time for me and especially for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you and I will always save the last dance for you.’

Holker who shared son Maddox (8) and daughters Weslie (16) and Zaia (5), with Boss, reflects on their nine-year marriage and her journey to recovery in her upcoming memoir, This Far.

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that were said, reading his journals … you realize that he went through a lot as a kid and he never faced that,” she told People. “It’s hard to think that he’s never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, come out on the other side. I really hope that people who are dealing with the same thing can help each other come out of the shadows and (know) that you’re going to be OK.”

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, there is help available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).