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According to Robert Scucci
| Published
What do you get when you combine the grace and elegance of gymnastics with the discipline and precision of karate? There is only one correct answer to this question, and that is 1985 Gymkata – one of the most unintentionally hilarious martial arts movies you’ll ever see. I know it might sound like I’m exaggerating, but I’ve seen every late-career Steven Seagal movie Walmart has to offer, so I consider myself an expert on unintentional comedy; a title that ruined my life because ironically I’ve seen so many movies that I honestly don’t even know what I like anymore.
Gymkata may not be available through any streaming subscription service, but is available through on-demand purchases. That’s right, for the price of a Happy Meal, you can watch this wreck of storytelling, fights, romance, and strategically placed gymnastics equipment in the darkness of your living room, if you’re prepared to lose a few IQ points.
Terrible game
Based on the 1957 pulp novel by Dan Tyler Moore Jr. Terrible game, Gymkata is an unwatchable mess of a movie. Thanks to the acrobatic maneuvers of Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who takes the lead as Special Intelligence Service (SIA) contractor Jonathan Cabot, I have to admit that a number of the fight sequences are well-crafted and will keep your attention. But like most action movies starring someone who’s an athlete first and an actor second, the storytelling falls apart in favor of stunts and beatings, while most of his dialogue and exposition feels like an afterthought.
It centers around a ruthless athletic competition known as “The Game”, Gymkata attempts to piece together an international relations story with the fictional country of Parmistan. Jonathan is approached by the SIA to participate in the game, a 900-year-old tradition that has never had a winner. Those who win the game are not only allowed to live, but also get one wish after completing the competition, which is a convoluted sort of survival of the fittest race with no clear rules as far as I can tell.
Washing
Like most action films set in the 1980s, the threat of nuclear war is the driving force behind Jonathan’s involvement in The Game. Working under SIA directives, Jonathan is tasked with winning the very game that claimed his father’s life so that he can wish the US to install a satellite monitoring system in Parmistan to act as an early warning system for any future nuclear attacks.
Training under an Eastern trainer (Tadashi Yamashita) and a Parmistan princess named Princess Rubali (Tetchie Abayani), Jonathan develops Gymkata, an unconventional fighting method that combines gymnastics and karate, to gain a competitive edge during the upcoming game.
If you thought the training montage was going to be about punching bags and long jumps, you’re sorely mistaken. Most of Jonathan’s training consists of being told to listen to the wind while being forced to climb stairs with his hands for some reason. While I can’t say it’s a conventional way to prepare for a life-or-death competition, I can’t argue with the results after watching it. Gymkata.
How convenient!
I could get in Gymkata’s a convoluted coup plot orchestrated by the King of Parmistan’s right-hand man, Commander Zamir (Richard Norton), to overthrow the government by changing the rules of the game so that no one wins, but all you really need to know is that the rules are being broken and it’s up to Jonathan, to survive and win, to have his one wish come true for the sake of national security.
And how will Jonathan fend off the various henchmen and Parmistan warriors, you ask?
Luckily for Jonathan, when he’s chased down a dark alley that leads to what one would think would be certain death, there just happens to be a high bar that he can flip, spin and kick his way out of trouble. At first I worried for Jonathan’s safety when he found himself surrounded by a bunch of terrorists and warriors in the square, but those fears were soon erased from my nerve-wracking brain when I discovered a conveniently placed pommel horse where Jonathan could also roll over. , turn around and kick your way out of trouble.
Primarily functioning as a means to showcase Kurt Thomas’ gymnastic and fighting skills, every single trap or ambush in Gymkata it’s laudably choreographed, but it’s placed throughout the film in a way that doesn’t make a lot of sense, while still being a lot of fun to watch.
Watching Gymkat
Gymkata has certainly earned its hold as a cult classic and is definitely a film worth seeking out for its inherent entertainment value. The story arc (or lack thereof) may leave a lot to be desired, but among The Game’s competitors being thrown violently off cliffs and splashing loudly onto the rocks below, Jonathan’s unique and confusing form of mixed martial arts combat and his means of flirting with Princess Rubali using a variety of flips and turns, you’ll be amazed and amazed the next time you need to turn off your mind and let Gymkata will happen to you.
If you want to see Gymkata is available to you on request via Google Play Movies, Apple TV+, Fandango at homeand Amazon Prime Video. And if you want to further add to your viewing experience, you can also check out the RiffTrax version if you want to cry with laughter at the commentary.
