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A parent’s job is not to protect their child from life’s challenges, but guide them through — offer support and tools to Help them thrive in difficult times..
like a child life specialist and therapistI have worked with thousands of children and families facing illness, trauma, grief and loss. I have observed the words and actions that reveal that a child is learning to cope effectively with life’s inevitable difficulties.
It’s not about staying calm or avoiding tears. It is about using strategies and skills to manage, tolerate and reduce stress when it arises. That’s why children who manage well They tend to have high emotional intelligence. They are good at identifying their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.
Listen to these six things you may hear kids with high emotional intelligence say:
1. ‘It’s okay to be sad’
Children with high emotional intelligence are likely to have trusted adults who have taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay.
They know that it is natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated or worried in difficult situations. Likewise, they have learned that it is okay to have happy, joyful, or fun times even in difficult times.
2. ‘I need some space’
Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs (racing thoughts, rapid heartbeat, tense muscles, or a knot in the stomach) and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
You could go to your “coping corner” to give themselves the time and space to use their pre-planned tools. For example, they can grab a pinwheel or blow bubbles to help them with deep breathing.
They probably learned these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.
3. ‘Are you okay?’
Emotionally intelligent children can recognize emotions in othersalso. They understand that both adults and children can have big feelings during difficult times and that everyone deals with them differently.
Perhaps they are the first to recognize that when their friend He’s upset, he may need space or a hug, and either is fine.
Empathy toward others comes naturally to them and they demonstrate ease and comfort in listening to others’ perspectives, respecting their needs, and working together.
They understand that even when their parents are emotional, they can still be loved, cared for, and safe.
4. ‘I don’t like…’
Children who have practiced setting limits Because of how they would like to be treated, they tend to have high emotional intelligence. They can communicate effectively their needs, desires and feelings while being sensitive to the other person.
They might say, “I don’t like it when you use my stuff without asking,” or “I don’t like not knowing what to expect.” Or you may hear other statements that begin with:
- “I don’t agree with…”
- “I don’t want to talk about…”
- “I don’t think it’s nice/fun when…”
They also care about respecting the needs of their colleagues and siblings.
5. ‘I made a mistake’
This phrase indicates that a child is self-reflective and free of shame. Instead of being afraid to make or admit mistakes, they can talk about it and problem-solve to improve the situation or circumstance.
They also recognize what they could have done better or differently because they know that mistakes are how they grow, learn and develop through challenges.
6. ‘I have an idea’
Trust and creativity In problem solving there are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Children who have faced difficult situations have learned to work together with peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or paths forward.
They feel safe expressing their opinions, ideas and qualities, while listening and learning from others.
When children overcome obstacles and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and flexibility, while cultivating emotional awareness and self-esteem.
it starts with you
If your kids aren’t saying these things yet, don’t worry. Emotional intelligence and coping skills take time to develop and often begin with parenting.
Just start by saying these things yourself. Children learn best from what is modeled for them.
Kelsey Mora is a certified child life specialist and licensed clinical professional counselor who provides personalized support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and the stresses of everyday life. She is the owner of a private practice, mother of two children, creator and author of The method workbooksand the clinical director of the nonprofit organization. Pickles group.
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