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In relationships, no action is too small. Every small change you make issues.
As a couple therapist with more than 30 years of experience, I have seen couples repeat many of the same mistakes, often without knowing it. Typically, these Useless patterns started early in the relationship.
But don’t worry if you are making some mistakes now. Simple changes, at any time, can contribute greatly to change things.
Here are six common trends to avoid in a relationship, especially in the first years:
1. Alazing it
Most people are. We do what it was Modeling to us growingOr maybe otherwise.
While we educate ourselves as professionals and parents, most of us do not realize that we need to learn to be a good couple: deal with the conflict effectively, to Become a good listenerto repair and invest continuously to stay connected.
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I invite you to see yourself as training partners and proactively spend time learning from articles, books and even therapy.
2. Making your partner responsible for your happiness and well -being
TO satisfactory relationshipWhere love continues to grow, begins when each person understands that their happiness and satisfaction belong to their own hands, not those of their partner. This is precisely the reason why “relationship with oneself” is placed as the first pillar in my book “,A moving marriage: heal its relationship with responsibility, growth, priority and purpose,“And as a basis for building durable love.
When you invest in self -awareness, you prepare to live in a more authentic and happy way. Knowing yourself becomes the entrance door to treat you with loving kindness, challenge yourself to grow and, ultimately, assume the responsibility of your own well -being.
3. See the conflict as a bad signal
One of the most ignored mistakes, young couples commit stems of the belief that a good relationship should be a soft navigation, with a minimum fight or disconnection. The wrong concept often prevents them from coming to advise before because they fear that admitting tension means something worse than it really is.
But a living and respiratory relationship or marriage actually means disconnecting and reconnecting many times. This is how we build trust and grow. This is what I often say when couples first enter therapy:
“I’m glad you are here. Your friction is not a bad sign. It means begins with the normalization of your challenges and hugging the problems you have instead of seeking rapid relief or avoiding them.”
4. Trying to change your partner
When something about your partner gets under your skin, the natural inclination is to try to change them.
Yes, it is important to address the problems that are bothering you. But most of the time, there is too much focus on what is wrong. When you feel the inclination to criticize or change your partner, ask yourself:
- “Could you use this moment to be more patient, sure with myself, tolerant or unconditionally loving?”
- “Is there growth for me?”
- “Do I do something similar?”
- “Am I waiting for perfection?”
- “Am I appreciative enough of everything my partner is and gives?”
5. Lose priority
At first, it is easy to appreciate our partners. But make sure that our partner sits as the other most important person in our life must be a continuous priority.
The most common threat I see that priority is when a couple becomes a family with children. The in -laws, the work or too much concern for what others think at the expense of the needs or feelings of their partner can also interfere.
Young couples must be attentive from the first moment for simple ways to fight for their relationship and make their partner feel appreciated. This could mean having a nighttime appointment and a night of growth, the first to have fun and the second for talking about what you feel good or not so well in the relationship.
6. Thinking little
It is important to take care of ourselves, invest in Our own happinessand nourish people in our immediate circles and community. At the same time, to capitalize everything that a relationship can bring to our lives, we need to think bigger.
Finding ways that you, individually and as a couple, can make the world better add a dimension of strength and satisfaction that no necessary amount of satisfaction can bring to your link.
Don’t feel that you have to save the world in one day. It can begin to be a bit voluntary, take a meal to someone who is sick or welcome guests to their home. The idea is to nurture, as a couple, the parts of you who love to give, in constantly expansion ways.
I find that when my husband and I are gathering our energies for the sake of others, the spirit of generosity softens about our differences and brings us even more.
Rachel Glor, Edd, He is a professional advisor with more than 30 years as couples and individual therapist. He has taught and created workshops for organizations such as: YPO, the Kabalá Center, Onevillage, University of Missouri and Psychotherapy Saint Louis. Rachel is also the author of “A moving marriage: heal its relationship with responsibility, growth, priority and purpose.”
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