People who are good to handle conflicts do this 1 thing

As you approach conflictMost people aim to get their way, while others try to find common land. This is a mistake that the authors say Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas.

In their new book “Conflict Resilience: Negotiate the disagreement without giving up or deliver” the two argue that trying to resolve conflicts eliminates the interaction of its value and that you will get more of having those difficult conversations if you are trying to learn, not try to win.

“We think that the conflict has the possibility of promoting connection and building a relationship,” says Bordone. He is the founder and former director of the Harvard’s clinical negotiation and mediation program.

People who are good to navigate in conflict do not have the mentality that disputes are bad.

“If your orientation about what is entering is so negative, it is much more difficult to be an expert in what if you have a different frame, it would only say, more precise,” says Bordone.

In fact, they see it as an opportunity to validate the side of the other person. Instead of entering with a list of points, they prioritize listening and asking questions.

“The work of being a resistant conflict is to enter a landscape that does not have a script because it is motivated by a sense of curiosity about something of the other person,” says Bordone.

Salinas, a clinical behavioral and scientific neurologist at the University of New York, says that people standing out in the management of skirmishes, either in their personal life or in the workplace, also know that sometimes it is not realistic to wait to see face to face.

“There are certain areas of disagreement that is simply impossible to solve,” he says.

To unite divide in the course of a conversation, you must try to understand the fears of the other person, Kurt Gray, professor of social psychology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill and author of “Outredage: why we fight for morality and politics and how to find common land.” He told CNBC earlier this year.

“Very often we enter these conversations and it is not a conversation,” says Gray. “It is an opportunity to write down points or try to make the other person look stupid. A real conversation is something you ask questions.”

Gray recommends taking three steps to have better conversations when he is in a disagreement with someone:

1. Try to understand your motivation: Ask questions and express a genuine curiosity about how they came to your conclusion.
2. Validate that motivation: Even if you do not agree with your point, you can say that you understand how they got there.
3. Emphasize your personal connection: Instead of accumulating them with facts, whether vulnerable and tell them why you do not agree with them on a personal level.

It is more likely that others find some merit in their argument if he shares a personal anecdote, instead of some statistics, to show why he is in the place where he does.

“Establish a connection with someone, see it as a human being, I think it’s very useful,” says Gray.

Both will feel better and more respected if at least they try to understand each other.

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